Boundaries are important for our well-being, they help us to maintain healthy relationships, we know they are a big deal when it comes to practising self-care. But boundaries are personal to us so they can’t be prescribed, even by a professional. They are something that, as individuals, we need to reflect on and try out and they need to be flexible as we grow and our circumstances in life change. The problem that many of us face, is that we don’t necessarily know what boundaries look or feel like, the idea can feel intangible, unfamiliar and a little scary for a many of us. I want to share with you my experiences of discovering what boundaries mean for me, how I implemented them and the impact it has had on my life. I hope that some of you will relate, some of you will reflect and some of you will be inspired to create and develop your own healthy boundaries.
Several years ago, when my counsellor first introduced the idea of boundaries to me, I felt like she really didn’t get me at all. For me, maintaining relationships was supposed to be difficult at times, it meant always trying to think of the right thing to say and avoiding conflict as much as possible. It also meant that I was constantly living with these underlying feelings of sadness, anger and disappointment – both with myself and with those around me. My deepest fear was of abandonment – if I said what I really felt and people didn’t like it, wouldn’t they just leave? My family might turn their back on me, I might offend just one person and they might tell everyone about how awful and selfish I really am, my friends might walk away, my husband might just leave. But this wasn’t reality – it was fear. But fear can be huge. It can keep us safe, but unless we are able to tame it, it can prevent us from living with authentic connection to both ourselves and others. I was pretty terrified but I wanted to make some changes as what I was doing really wasn’t working out for me anymore.
Once this idea had been planted by my counsellor, I began to notice people around me who seemed to have the incredible ability to unapologetically stand up for themselves. I also noticed that although they were clear about their expectations and how they wished to be treated, they were also respectful and compassionate. It didn’t seem completely out of my reach. So, I started reading more into the idea of boundaries and started trying things out for myself. Over the past 5-10 years I have really got to know myself and reflected on my own values and my relationships and although it hasn’t always been easy, it has been worth it. Here is what has worked for me:
- Protecting alone time – this has been a game changer for me and something my partner suggested. I spend my week either working with children at school or with my own children at home. I am also an introvert so this is really mentally exhausting for me. I love my children and the children I work with but in order to be at my best I need alone time. So now I take one morning each weekend completely to myself and I’m telling you, that time is precious to me. I often walk into town and sit in a coffee shop for a couple of hours with a book and then go to the library or a book shop and then treat my body to a nourishing fancy salad from a great local cafe. That time is as precious to me as my husband’s weekly football training and everyone benefits from it so it has become pretty much a non-negotiable.
- Taking a break at work – at work I will always make sure I take my 10 minute break in the morning (and sit down with a hot drink in that time). I need this time to ground myself, have a hot drink and refresh before going back into the classroom.
- Not being pressured for answers – If someone invites me out I will initially say ‘I will think about it’. I hate having too much going on in my social calendar so the best way to manage that is to carefully organise my time. It prevents me from getting overwhelmed and feeling the need to cancel plans at the last minute. Likewise if at work someone asks me to take on more tasks, I will take time to consider my workload before making a commitment as I need to protect my energy and be productive – which can’t happen with too much work and too much pressure.
- Making conscious choices about how to deal with difficult people. This could be: telling them how they are making me feel in the moment or having a sit down conversation with them about how, choosing not to say anything at all, limiting time with them, only spending time with them when I am feeling mentally resilient, not spending time with them at all.
- Not drinking alcohol or staying out later than I want to – I don’t appreciate being coerced into drinking or staying out late so it won’t happen. Lots of people enjoy a drink, lots of people use it as a way of having some down time. But it just isn’t for me. A few drinks can equal a 3 day hangover. A super late night can make me into quite frankly a horrible person to be around and that makes me feel rubbish. So I don’t drink and although that was initially met with a few eye-rolls – I no longer spend time with the kind of people that don’t respect my choices.
- Unfriending or unfollowing people on social media – This is such an easy way of putting in boundaries to prevent your social media from being a hell pit. It’s not particularly brave or challenging as it doesn’t require any face to face confrontation.
I am not talking about ghosting your friends and family, I am talking about unfriending an old work colleague from 10 years ago that turned out to have some radical views that don’t align with yours. Leaving social media groups that spread negativity, general moaning, criticism or judgement. It is very freeing to just be able to delete the bad stuff and keep the good stuff –impossible in real life of course but I have made my social media a safe and positive space, which I highly recommend.
So, what have been the consequences of putting these boundaries in place? Every time I uphold my boundaries, the message I am sending to myself is that I can be trusted to take care of myself. It’s a great exercise is building self-esteem when you follow through with your intention to put yourself first.
Protecting breaks and alone time has allowed to me to feel more balanced, less exhausted and has most likely decreased my stress levels significantly – as an introvert, alone time is not just a luxury, it is 100% essential to my well-being and I am lucky to have a husband who recognises that (although he’s probably learnt the hard way!). I try not to feel guilty about taking time for myself because I can see the positive effects it has on the people around me.
The reactions I have had from others when I had decided to honestly share with them how I feel has been quite interesting. I have friends that I’ve drifted from and I suspect that has something to do with not wanting to go out drinking. I have family members who really didn’t like me challenging the status quo but I have remained respectful and compassionate at all times. I have no regrets. I am more selective about who I spend time with now and that has made my world a far more pleasant place to live in. Maintaining boundaries with family and at work will always be an ongoing challenge for me but I try to be conscientious and try not to be too hard on myself if I’m struggling to speak up.
So, you won’t find me regularly going out for work drinks, taking my kids to arcades every weekend or going on holidays with extended family. But you might find me meditating in the living room at 6am, alone reading in a café on a Sunday morning or in deep and meaningful conversation with a couple of my closest friends. I am of course flexible – I wouldn’t deny my children sleepover parties or a trip to the local soft play – but in my daily life, I try my best to keep my boundaries in check as I know they do me the world of good.
On my self-care journey, I have learned that healthy boundaries are found in authenticity, vulnerability and honest communication. So what boundaries have you got in place that work for you? Which boundaries do you find challenging? How can you use boundaries to boost your self-esteem?
Sending out good vibes and love to you all. Thank you for reading.
